My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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