So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
