when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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