when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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