If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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