I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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