your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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