I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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