if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
