I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
