I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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