my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
school has made you so classy.
that's mcgill. producing sluts since 1884.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
