ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
