I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
