put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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