sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
