I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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