Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
