I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
