Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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