Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
