can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
