Soap is not a condiment
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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