Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
