he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
