The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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