meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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