The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
