its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
