okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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