i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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