Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
