the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
