you have to choose: penises or morals?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just want nice things and good sex
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
