It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
