when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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