Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
