It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
