He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
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I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
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you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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