Buhtt sex?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
