I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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