you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
