Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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