I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
