my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
