I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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