I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
