pedialite and red bull = repair kit
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
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Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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