What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
