Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
