Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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