i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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