Say something about gay babies.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
