Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
