I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
