someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
