Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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