I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he thought i was a dude.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The struggles of a small town man whore
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
