i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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