So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
